As winner of the 2001 Royal Stoney Holme open I would like to share some of the secrets of my success. I hope this will help in your quest for similar glory in your golfing career.

1. Before your first round, ensure you have a full English Breakfast. Ask your host to substitute your pot of tea for a cool pint of Boddingtons. This will fill you with the necessary confidence.
2. Before you start, ensure your previous ventures on a golf course are dreadful. The authorities will then give you a generous handicap (You become a "handicap bandit"). Time your best ever performance for this tournament.
3. When driving the ball, try and keep some control. Distance is not everything.
4. Try to avoid water as much as you can.
5. Approach play - play your shots to ensure you get the ball on the green.
6. When Putting, always try to hit it hard enough to "pot" the ball. If you under-hit it, it won't go in!
7. While Putting, if you think the ball will roll away down the right hand side, Putt it to the left to compensate.
8. While Putting, if you think the ball will roll away down the left hand side, Putt it to the right to compensate.
9. Make sure you don't have to Putt the ball 3 times at a single hole.
10. Whatever happens during day 1 of the 2 day tournament, make sure you get extremely arseholed between your rounds. This at least ensures you have had a good time win or lose. It may also help you forget a bad round on day 1.
11. If the Telly's on full volume when you wake up in your hotel room at the start of day 2, don't worry, there will be a rational explanation.

2002? - Title retained!!! (not through playing Golf though. We never bothered doing it this year.